oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
