I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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