you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
