It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
