my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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