I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Cover your peen. We're going out.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
