I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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