Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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