If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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