Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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