oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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