If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
