Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
is that a dick in a sweater?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
