happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
