Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
