and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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