I wish I only lived at night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
