Your face is a jimmy john
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
