We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
