im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
