I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sarcasm needs its own font
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
