Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
