This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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