I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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