The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
