clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
