Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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