I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
