I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
