ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
