Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
