I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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