Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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