Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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