i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
