Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
