Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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