I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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