I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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