did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
