HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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