Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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