You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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