I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
