Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
