i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
