Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
