Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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