woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
