Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
