Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
