Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize