i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
