remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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