there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
