2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
