I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
