He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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