did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
