my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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