my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
