He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
