I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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