some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is the high leading the old right now
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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