I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
